Umrah and Ehram

I should start at the beginning. I have missed out a lot of detail, not through choice but through necessity. I downed the ehram on Friday morning after my khufahafiz to Medina. The white symbolising your kaftan a new beginning rather than an end. For my new beginning this came with rules, and we all know my love of rules. A set of 25 things become haram on a Mohrim. It's difficult to think of ehram as a uniform but more of an outward mark of submission. Giving yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually to God. The clothes just remind you of the fact that you are going to be purified, forgiven, cleaned and cleansed. Aside from my crazy liberal rationales of what Islam should be seen as, this traditional outlook brought along with it a lot of controversial thinking from me. It challenged my inner psyche to reconcile years of "trampling" the shariah brought by Muhammed (sww). I spent my time in ehram thinking through why. In my limited capacity I thought through the whys of this traditions. 

The coach journey made for awesome 9 hours of thinking. Starting with a 2 hour wait at Masije Shajarah. The mosque where Muhammad sww departs to Me'raj. Another huge, massive, transitional part of history. In ehram I pondered my significance, what I could do to change the world, my capacity, what my current station of emaan is, why am I here, how can I serve the religion of Muhammas sww, what can I give back. It's amazing how adhering to rules and changing your outward appearance can really change your perspective. To me Islam isn't as clinical people make out, I worship a loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving God. Ehram made me realise, all Muslims do, they just know the significance of the fiqh, which I clearly didn't. So here's the revelation, I will be a following jurisprudence properly from now on, and not reasoning His forgiveness for my disobedience. 

Arriving in Makkah in ehram meant no complaints, hence I stayed very quiet and silence does not suit me. Not only was my mother concerned but my roomies too. 

Walking to Masijide Haram, now that was an experience, holding my mums hand I kept saying to her how we were going to see the ka'ba. My dream being fulfilled, the final destination of every lover of God. In my this lifetime I didn't think anything or anyone or any place could compete with Najaf. The ka'ba doesn't compete it surpasses all ideals of understanding, spirituality, conceptualisation and reality. As I walked through Masjide Haram holding my mums hand, telling her to look down, I realised where I was. My dream was to see the ka'ba with my mummy. Here I was hand in hand with the one person in this world without whom I wouldn't be me. God, that moment was a spiritual snapshot that will stay with me till eternity. So imprinted on my soul that even qiyamat won't be able to remove it. 

Words betray as to the emotion attached with seeing the ka'ba, everyone told Emmy wishes would come to my heart as to what I really wanted, they were right. No matter how much you try to convince yourself you want one thing, your heart wants what it wants. Now that's Devine decree, what I want and what my heart desires are very different. My Rabb will always understand my wants and needs better than I can express. Hajj is a journey towards Him. He doesn't let any soul go astray. Love love love Him. 

I won't go though the details of tawaf and saee. But it was out of this world. A nail wasn't worth what I felt. It was on another level. 

I would just like to clarify, this was my dream and my God has never let a dream go unfiltered. He is Latif and being here makes me realise how much I don't deserve to be here. But I am. And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity. Thank you to everyone who prayed and made this possible.