2013

As this year draws to a close. I feel the theme is goodbye. Every year has a theme a way of leaving a mark. 

To be honest as the years go by, I realise each year has it's own way of twisting and turning and changing everything. I'm yet to see it getting better. Worse yes. 

January brought new friendship, with the demise of old friendships, lies and drama insighted February. Everything led to the peak of 2013. I ended up on a lone discovery tried to Iraq and Iran. Let's not complain that was amazing. I will never forget seeing that golden dome, the golden face, or saying goodbye. I know that walking out of the haram of imam Ali as was the hardest moments of my existence. My soul still weeps at the glimpse of those last moments.

Babies. Babies, I have witnessed the incubation of 6 children in 2013. I realised the value of a mother and how much pregnancy puts a woman through. 

Everything in 2013 didn't end there. I lived out my lifelong dream. All be it torn. I saw the ka'ba. After years, I walked the streets of the Holy City holding hands with my mum, circled His house. As we walked through I look ped down til I dared to see, I dreamt of seeing all my life, when I saw I squeezed her hand told her to look up and cried. Cried for the amazing moment, for the emotion and relief. I was famous for choosing my three wishes, I planned them for years. Years, when I say years I mean years. I was shocked by what my soul wanted. 

It hurts now to know my wish didn't come true and probably was deemed to never be mustajaab. That's what happens when you rise too high. 

The end of 2013 in tears, I wanted, wished and ached to go to Najaf. That's my wish for 2013. Take me to my home, where my soul lives. 

Lemonade

In life you're landed with situations and people you dont want or need. What you dont realise at the time is that it's all for your best. There's good that comes out of everything. 

People and things come into your life to teach you. To train you for your next calamity. Everything happens to teach you to cope. To deal with whats coming next. The hurt and pain teaches you to expect less and give more. You learn to stop fighting against the tide and to flow with it. Each wave carrying you with it. You land up where you need to be. Not where you want, not where you expected to be, just where you're meant to be. 

That's the deal with lemonade. You squeeze the lemons only to refresh for the next battle. One day it will all be over. The peices will mend and the voids will fill, it will all have a reason. Till then you smile, and keep yourself alert for whats next. 

Arafat

As I sit here on the planes of Arafat my heart goes to Karbala. It's really hot. Like so hot that leaving my air conditioned cabin hurts my feet. The few steps I took out of the door to my feet burnt. In the state of ehram, complaints are not allowed. At all. We slept in air conditioned cabins, which was an experience. So baring in mind I'm a princess and don't like proximity with strangers. An interesting experience to say the least.

They say you learn about yourself on Hajj. Your soul knows what it needs to heal and renew. I've spent many years trying to figure out what makes me insecure. What it is that hurts me to make the littlest insensitivity break me. I learnt in Arafat it's ok. It's fine to break so long as you rebuild yourself in a better way. 

In the heat, the dust and Mosquitos i identified what I didn't want to keep about myself and what I did like. I think one thing I do really well is criticise myself. I can break myself to pieces but rebuilder what's broken i never do. There's a lot behind my smile that I've been brushing over. After the group Amaal I spent quality time with my iPod in thinking. Just thinking. Having the Qur'an in the background I find really helps me focus. Just recognise why it all happens the way it does. I can't say it changed me, I can say I learnt. Knowing why you do something helps to stop or change. Hajj is a turning point, the change is gradual once you get back. It just starts here. 

I prayed for forgiveness, one of my wishes when seeing the ka'ba was forgiveness. I try, I try to be better each time but we all make mistakes. I want to renew me. I want to be free that's all. Free from the old me, I know I have good intentions but things go wrong. Forgiveness and redemption have been two key themes throughout this trip. When Hajra runs in saee she is scared for her son, yet has complete faith in His Rahma. That's what Hajj to me is, faith in His Rahma and fear of the sins we have committed. 

With my bites in my ehram we crammed into a bus, as the third bus broke down, we stood on the bus to Muzdallifah. Experiences change you, they don't harm you, they help you know your capacity. We prayed Magrib on the sands of Muzdallifah. Next to my mum in her usual form, she made me laugh and told me off for my "salfal". Yes, my mums back to herself! My soul screamed Alhamdulillah when she told me off, to which she looked at me saying "I'm telling you off, why are you smiling?" That's my mummy :) 

For each stone I collected I thought of a vice, forgetting to count my 71. After pouring out my bag to count my pebbles, I realised my vices come from my insecurities. Let's work on them too. Ahmed uncle asked us not to go too close to the edge of the cliff, he does really care for us. 

Mina. Here we arrived, walking through the tunnel. I realised that every journey has a destination. Mina wasn't my final destination but a reformation for my journey. I take my new found realisations and throw them at jamaraat and leave them there. They don't come back with me. Mina is where they stay while I move on. Life is a working progress. It builds you, shapes you into what you're meant to be. On the way to jamaraat Ukba, I made my mum promise me she would throw her fear away. When I watched her throw her stones I knew I had my mum back. That's when I knew my Rabb had accepted my duas. 

The aunty who slept next to me on the very cosy mattresses insisted on touching me in her sleep. Gosh, there's broken sleep then there's sleeping in the fear of being touched by random aunty. We were woken for breakfast, which I rightfully avoided. Portion control is not an Arab trait. Then after an hour more of sleep we hijacked for Ahmed uncle to tell us, "ladies, go shower". Very welcome news. And what a shower, after a two hour queue, I was clean, still no brushing, but tomorrow needs a highlight too. We showered, slept some more had dinner - chicken nuggets. 

P.S. The food section if this blog is dedicated to a request for diet section to this diary.

Mother

When people tell me their mum is there life I think, well I'm my mums life. She means the world to me and I will never ever love anyone more than I love her, but I'm so certain she loves me more. Nothing compares to how much she loves me, no one will ever love me more. Seeing my mum on this trip made me realise that besides being my best friend and favourite travel buddy, she's an extension to me. Nothing is complete without her. 

Seeing her slip rendered me helpless, in complete shock. I just stood there and watched other people fuss. My mums had a few bumps and falls recently and I've realised she's human. Last night made me think of all the times I've taken her for granted, I thank God for her every time I pray. But I remember in Medina watching her pray, made me ask for her to get better, I wanted nothing else. Every time I look at the ka'ba my dream, all I want is my mum back to full strength. I know He can cure her, and today that's my only dua. 

It scares me how much more important to me her being herself is. I'm used to my mum being in charge telling me what to do. Leading me. Whoever has scared my mum into this other person who is afraid of Hajj, I really want them to know that they've hurt me. I've never seen my mum like this. I want to tell my siblings, even my uncle doesn't recognise her anymore. 

If this trip none of my hajaat are accepted I just want my mum back to normal. Nothing else. 

Ever other relationship in this world is replaceable but no one will ever love you like your own mum. When we went to Uhud I sat on the step, she literally came and stood next to me, when is asked her why, her reply hurt, she wanted to make sure I was in the shade. In the Munajaat of Imam Ali he says on the day of judgement, your mother, father, brother and sister will refuse to recognise you. I look at my mum and I think either the day of judgement must be the most extreme of circumstance for my mum to leave me. 

Humanity has many flaws. My mum is His perfection personified. 

The start of Hajj

As I prepare my body, soul and bag of Hajj. I'm scared. Really scared, exposing yourself o just yourself. There's no better place o recognise your soul than Arafat, after the numerous lectures and books I've read on his day. All I can think of is what will I find. 

‘Arafa is called ‘Arafa because it is the day of “ma’rifa”, it is the day of knowing your Rabb and recognizing Him. The hadith, “Whoever recognizes himself, recognizes his Creator” is narrated for this day.

 

A hadith says “Those  who weren’t able to achieve their purpose and goal in Laylatul Qadr or those who weren’t forgiven on that day, ‘Arafa is the last opportunity for them”.

This day in its blessedness, sacredness and holiness weighs the same as the Night of Qadr. In days there is no bigger day than Arafa and in Nights there is no greater night than Laylatul Qadr!”

 

The real valuable moments are between Dhuhr & Maghrib. Take some time out and lay out yor plans of how you will reach your full potential…. Do not take them for granted. I as your Maa will pray for you _ I have a list of your names in front of me but you need to try and do what you may not have been able to do ever…Soften your hearts to allow Divinity to take you to your full potential step by step…..

 

Make the longest dua list you have ever made…. Remember what Allah tells Prophet Musa (pbuh) “Ask for the salt in your dough the laces for your shoes…..”

Use Dua ‘Al ‘Arafa as your foundation for the list…..

The dua begins with His Praise –

Then focuses on one’s longing for Him (By extension longing to reach one’s full potential)  “Allahumma inniy arghabu ilayk…” (longing for You)

This is followed by testifying to Tawheed  Nabuwwa (ans Imama)  & the Qur’an.

A place to pause and ask whether we actually know what we are testifying to…

Now the requests that Imam teaches us:

1.            Eiman

2.            Nur (Perception, Energy,  Insight…)

3.            Disperse sorrow

4.            Cover shortcomings

5.            Drive away demons (of suspicion laziness, losing interest and focus….)

Once you have made your dua list and it must be long………….. then seal the requests using the appropriate Asmaul Husna.

 

Imam Husayn in Dua ‘Arafa makes us realise that

1.            We as human beings are incredibly   powerful and intricate  creations capable of reaching  divinity.(remember the verses of Allama Iqbal from last week)

2.            Realisation comes by looking within the quietest aspects of one’s  being.

3.            Life will always throw a curve ball at us  to keep us alert and awake.

4.            The mind can hide from the truth and create all sorts of fabricated illusions about what Truth is, without really surrendering to what is here now.

5.            Deep down the ego knows that it is not real, and that one day it will die but you don’t have to wait…you can transcend the ego now….

6.            The keys to reaching one’s full potential lie in SHUKR (Thankfulness)

The thread through the whole dua is SHUKR “: 'If you are thankful, surely I will increase for you”(Qur’an 19:7)   

Prophet Dawud (David)  said: "O Lord! How can I thank You, for my thankfulness is a blessing which itself requires thanksgiving!" God revealed to him: "O Dawud, when you have known that every blessing that you enjoy is from Me, you have thanked Me."

Shukr therefore is manifesting His blessings through word, deed and intention…..

Bottom line

Give out of yourself as much as possible….

“ You will never achieve your full potential of goodness unless you give out of what you love the most”3:92

ASR at Masijide Haraam

I know many of you have seen salatul jama'ah but never have i felt this pride swelling inside me at the sight of a standstill. Collectively worshipping the one Rabb to the extent the streets are filled with His abds. Now that's my God. The one who stops all time just so collectively as one body we can glorify Him at His house. Many individuals in one body, personifying Him. As His true oneness. Want to understand tawheed in action come to Makkah. The pride of worshipping my Rabb. 

Last night tawaf touched my soul in a way that no other ever has. I did the mustahab tawaf holding my mums hand. The girls literally volunteered to surround my mum. Like all around. I held her right hand, Aliya automatically grabbed my mums left hand, while Naima positions herself behind my mum. It warmed my heart to see how these women I've only met 10 days ago, are now my family. They care for my mum like she's there own. My mum decided I should recite all the duas I can out loud. Everyone knows my dislike for reciting out loud. For this woman I would do anything. On the fourth round they literally just refused to leave my mum. I cried to see His rahmania personified in these ladies. 

True love really does exist in a human form. We just have to wait for it to find us. Whenever anyone told me this, I used to laugh and doubt any existence. Today I can see love, feel love and understand love. I thank my Rabb with every breath of my existence. Makkah really has changed everything for me. 

Letter to Him

If I was to write God a letter it would start with the biggest list of thank you's, as I owe Him. Not just from the air I breathe to my essence of being, but the heart that beats in my chest to the soul He called to Makkah. I can not begin to explain the gratitude I feel towards my God, as I sit across from the ka'ba, His house. Inside I know I don't deserve this. I as a person am not worthy of His favours. We all have faults we hide from the world, we follow His rules. He is after all Satarul Uyyub. That's my Rabb. 

Where do I begin counting my blessings and where do I look to find a lack in His rahmania. I was "lucky" or "fortunate" enough to be born a Shia Ithna Asheri. I say it with pride, not through my own being, but through His mercy. I owe my every blessing to the 14 He created this world for. As I sit here staring at His house, my heart yearns to thank and beg Him all at once. When in the alam e arwah my soul replied Labayk I know my heart in this world has yearned for this journey for many years. Now I'm here at His house and there's a strange contentment that has spread into my heart. 

My life has never been perfect I have never been given what would seem even close to perfection to anyone else. But I know my Rabb gave me more than what I deserved. Never has He made me beg for what I needed. I always demanded more. Previously when I didn't understand I made demands like I was owed things. The older I get the more I realise I am not worthy to make even requests, were my requests based on reciprocation. Here I sit with everything I need in the world. My wants and demands distant memories. There has always been pain in my heart that something was lacking, coming here filling any void there may have been. 

They say the ka'ba is His house. To me it signifies all that Muhammad sww stood for, all that Ibrahim manifested. Every prophet personified an attribute of God, all these attributes are what manifested in His house. That's why 300,000,000 people leave their homes and families to come here not through compulsion. That's my Rabb. 

Tawaf

Like a roaring river circling around a stone, Ka’ba is surrounded by a crowd of highly excited people. It is like a sun in the center while the people are like stars traveling in their orbit of the solar system. Centrally positioned, the people move around it in a circular pattern. Kaaba symbolizes the constancy and eternity of Allah. The moving circle represents the continuous activity and transition of His creatures. CONSTANCY + MOVEMENT + DISCIPLINE = TAWAF 

(Extract from book on Hajj by Dr. Ali Shariati)

Yesterday was an interesting day full of nuances that were so unfamiliar. We started late with an 11am start. Amenable auntys lecture was insightful and interesting. I miss those days of being taught rather than teaching. Makes me want to take a short course with one of my old teachers. 

I had a chat with my siblings which brought the reality of a return. Makkah May be my final destination but home is home. There are so many things that I need to change or finalise before I can think about what I really want. Siblings are a gift from Him and I love mine to bits. 

Everyday in Makkah has had a highlight yesterday's was tawaf. Naima and Aliya surrounded me as we undertook the task of a mustahab tawaf, alone without adult supervision. I never realised how important the courage and support of my mum and mama made me not fear the crowds. I started the tawaf shaking holding on to Aliya for dear life. The one thing I'll say about the girls on my trip they are such genuinely lovely people. Alhamdulillah. They let me be all gross sweaty and clingy without uttering a word. Now there's courtesy then then just pure intentions. I love how even after, during, before I never felt alone. 

Yesterday's tawaf marked a perfect moment for me a spiritual snapshot that will stay with me till qiyamah, the reason why I'm so touched by the kindness and humanity of these girls is I lived my dream with them. I touched the ka'ba. I touched the ka'ba. I touched the ka'ba. I touched the ka'ba. And yes, that what I text my best friend straight after, as I sat and stared at the ka'ba. There are movements in life that words aren't enough. That moment is one. Gosh, my heart did actual flip flops to say the least. I'm no expert of love or spirituality, but any doubts I had about this religion are now surpassed by that moment. It's like I crossed over and my soul was electrocuted. Never will I forget that feeling, if that peace, freedom and faith. I'm sold. 

Just a step on the dark side, our lecture was disrupted by several guards of Masjide Haraam who wanted to know what we were gathering about. The anti-Shia bid at crew lives on. Sheikh explained it was a Qur'an discussion circle. Then came and recited the first few ayah of sura e Munafiqoon. Coincidence much. The harsh reality of Saudi is tawau yah even in the House of God. 

Not everyday is perfect, but everyday has perfection. That's Him. He gives you everything without asking, wanting or needing. That's my God. I learnt about myself what no one else could have taught me. In my imperfection I can now see His perfection. That's my Rabb. 

Umrah and Ehram

I should start at the beginning. I have missed out a lot of detail, not through choice but through necessity. I downed the ehram on Friday morning after my khufahafiz to Medina. The white symbolising your kaftan a new beginning rather than an end. For my new beginning this came with rules, and we all know my love of rules. A set of 25 things become haram on a Mohrim. It's difficult to think of ehram as a uniform but more of an outward mark of submission. Giving yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually to God. The clothes just remind you of the fact that you are going to be purified, forgiven, cleaned and cleansed. Aside from my crazy liberal rationales of what Islam should be seen as, this traditional outlook brought along with it a lot of controversial thinking from me. It challenged my inner psyche to reconcile years of "trampling" the shariah brought by Muhammed (sww). I spent my time in ehram thinking through why. In my limited capacity I thought through the whys of this traditions. 

The coach journey made for awesome 9 hours of thinking. Starting with a 2 hour wait at Masije Shajarah. The mosque where Muhammad sww departs to Me'raj. Another huge, massive, transitional part of history. In ehram I pondered my significance, what I could do to change the world, my capacity, what my current station of emaan is, why am I here, how can I serve the religion of Muhammas sww, what can I give back. It's amazing how adhering to rules and changing your outward appearance can really change your perspective. To me Islam isn't as clinical people make out, I worship a loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving God. Ehram made me realise, all Muslims do, they just know the significance of the fiqh, which I clearly didn't. So here's the revelation, I will be a following jurisprudence properly from now on, and not reasoning His forgiveness for my disobedience. 

Arriving in Makkah in ehram meant no complaints, hence I stayed very quiet and silence does not suit me. Not only was my mother concerned but my roomies too. 

Walking to Masijide Haram, now that was an experience, holding my mums hand I kept saying to her how we were going to see the ka'ba. My dream being fulfilled, the final destination of every lover of God. In my this lifetime I didn't think anything or anyone or any place could compete with Najaf. The ka'ba doesn't compete it surpasses all ideals of understanding, spirituality, conceptualisation and reality. As I walked through Masjide Haram holding my mums hand, telling her to look down, I realised where I was. My dream was to see the ka'ba with my mummy. Here I was hand in hand with the one person in this world without whom I wouldn't be me. God, that moment was a spiritual snapshot that will stay with me till eternity. So imprinted on my soul that even qiyamat won't be able to remove it. 

Words betray as to the emotion attached with seeing the ka'ba, everyone told Emmy wishes would come to my heart as to what I really wanted, they were right. No matter how much you try to convince yourself you want one thing, your heart wants what it wants. Now that's Devine decree, what I want and what my heart desires are very different. My Rabb will always understand my wants and needs better than I can express. Hajj is a journey towards Him. He doesn't let any soul go astray. Love love love Him. 

I won't go though the details of tawaf and saee. But it was out of this world. A nail wasn't worth what I felt. It was on another level. 

I would just like to clarify, this was my dream and my God has never let a dream go unfiltered. He is Latif and being here makes me realise how much I don't deserve to be here. But I am. And I will forever be grateful for this opportunity. Thank you to everyone who prayed and made this possible.

Wida

As i sit here in Majide Nabawi saying "Khudahafiz" to some of the most influential people in my life, I think and feel lost. I guess my thoughts of how to thank Him for the opportunity are paramount in my mind. Then theres the "wow" factor of I'm seen history in action, but today the main emotion is devastation. I dont believe in goodbyes, i dont believe in peoples right to walk out of my life, i hold true to my relationships, loyalty and brotherhood key traits of the Banu Hashim. My head keeps saying this isnt goodbye, it's a ill" see you later". The last time my head consoled my heart like this was Mashad. 

This man I came across the world to see is the basis of my faith. The messenger of God who brought me love and trust in Him. I've waited years to see his home, to spend sone time with him, and now I'm saying bye. Muhammad always to me was the father of Fatemah. The grandfather of Zaynab. I remember crying in Damascus for the chance to see Medina, now I'm sitting here asking to go back to Zaynab. Irony at its most painful best. Praying for Syria. 

My every dua has been through the wasila of three awesome women, Fatemah, Zaynab and Umulbanin. Today i sit near Baquee with tears in my eyes to  make more requests. Not just for me but the ones I love and those who have asked me to.  My pain at Baquee resides with the treatment of these individuals. My hearts yearns for a acknowledgement of their heritage. They are His Ahlulbayt. You think Muhammad would be proud of what you've done to them? These are my feelings and views and not that of the wider Shia population.  

Today, I'm hurt. Today, I'm disgusted. Inside everything wishes to be transported to Iraq. I always said I left a piece of my soul in Najaf and my heart in Mashad. What do I have left to leave with Muhammad? My whole being is owed to this man. To these ladies. Their grandchildren are my support in the hardest of times. I never walk alone knowing I come from the generation of the Mahdi. So today, I admit it, I found a new Najaf. There's no comparison to the angst I feel at leave Rasulullah. After all, there's no competition between these individuals so why not share my heart out between them. 

I went for fajr with my friends/roomies then Wida with my mum. I need you all to know that without this woman in my life I would be nothing. No one loves you like your mum. I recite two rakaat Salaa shukr for having her in my life every day for the rest of my life, if I stayed in sajda for the entirety of my life , thanking Him for her it wouldn't be enough. I love my mum from Jannah and back. No one and nothing compares to doing this trip with her. 

After Medina, we head to Makkah, the final destination after all 14 is His home. The ka'ba. I wish I had words to describe how I feel. Every language I speak falls short of what I feel today. The journey for closeness to Him continues....

Medina Day 3

It's like each day reaches a new peak of excitement. So my preperation for Hajj focused mainly on Makkah. I knew I was walking into history in Medina, after 11 years of teaching I think I know the history of Muhammad well(ish). Today was like everytime I told the story of how our Qibla was changed from Palestine to Makkah, just a story. Till i prayed, saw and felt what it was like to pray in Masjide Qiblatain. Here's a question to make you think, was the Qibla of Islam always Ka'ba or were we redirected due to the taunts of people? 

Oh em gee moments all morning. I called my sister just so i could tell her how I went to Uhud!!!! It was a spiritual climax for me to see where Muhammad's timeline took place. Realising the battles, Badr, Uhad and Khandaq took place in Ramadhan and Shawwal as those were winter months after Hijra. Theres a road called Hijra road that leads to Makkah, yes my lame excitement at names lives on in the Saudi Kingdom. 

I guess before the Ziyarats I should tell you about my fajr fiasco. Basically, the alarm my roomy set was still going off at 6:05am when I woke up. So our plan to do Shab and Fajr crashed completely. So guess who's been awake since 6:05am. So apologies for the incoheriancy. 

I was told how "unkind" thoughts are kafrable in Hajj! Now that was ouchy! So I've made a change from the original stance of "thinking it is ok" to "thoughts manifest into action". Thats going to hard for me. And apparently wearing a nappy in ehram is recommended. I'm actually so terrified of wearing my ehram, yet in the same breath, I'm super excited. 

It's crazy how this journey is making me confront me to the essence of who I am. My attitude of God's rahmania and His rules are leading me to question alot of the things I have seen or heard. I know He is the centre of this journey so, why is this all about me. Things I intend to reconcile and confront throughout this journey. 

Today was an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster. Several things happened today that made me want to give in, but then theres always that one little thing that makes you want to carry on. 

Adaptability

Today has been all about adapting. Literally adapting to every situation. We went into the haram this morning. Just to warn you, I have been to Iraq and Iran twice each, and never have I been crushed or attacked like today. 

The day began by us arriving late and being left behind.  So we ran to catch up. Only to find they hadn't got that far anyway. It all started with a waiting pen to get into the haram, we were literally hearded into a part of the haram, where we were watched by a very efficient lady, who shouted at us in Arabic if we didn't follow her instructions. 

From the small pen to the larger pen, where we literally ran away from the supervisors. Till we got in. Now that was an experience, I found myself saying "this is Muhammad's umrah...this". I had to excercize all the patience I could muster to be able to no yell at the woman who pushed my mother.  I thought this was just one instance. I guess travelling alone has taught me to roll with situations and just move with it. But my mother is my weakness. No one pushes, shoves or even tries to pull her around. 

Gosh, I learnt. I exuded patience and serenity in the face of a lot of pushing, shoving and just literally rammage as I would say. 

I did pray the worst 2 rakaat Salaa in Riyadhul Jannah. Gosh that was crazy Salaa, every sajda I feared for my life. It was epic, to say the least. 

The highlight was Magrib in Masjide Nabawi. Now that was serene and peaceful. Made me miss Najaf to the max. Those tranquil times seem to stay with me throughout any journey. 

Inside

I know I'm her in Medina but there are things that stopping and thinking make you realise. Time makes you recount every action or thought. Sometimes we unknowingly confine ourselves to being who we think we should be. 

I sound vague, but we all know sometimes be bury he hurt so deep in real life that you don't even realise it hurts anymore. Sometimes, we get so used to betrayal, exclusion and paranoia that we forget we it's painful. 

I spend a lot of my days caring for how other people are, how you feeling, following up from told ailments. It's just who I am, justifying my behaviour, just because an action can be justified doesn't make it right. When something inside breaks, it hurts yet, because we can't swell on it we pick ourselves up and carry on. 

Today when I sat in the haram calmly just to reflect on what I was doing here, what actions led to today. I realised how much pain I was in, inside where no one could see. All the little begging comments from people, the flippant remarks, the questions, the questions are my nemesis to be honest they hurt the most. This realisation made me assess what I had done to deserve the cruelty and brutality of others. That led me to where I am today, I blame me for other peoples actions. That's wrong. Maybe wanting some care is too much to ask for. So why ask, why do I expect people to be nice when clearly they're not capable. 

None of the way others behave is my problem or responsibility at all. I'm only in control of who I am, and what I do not anyone else. So here's a conclusion people won't like. If you choose to hurt my feelings, I leave you accountable to Him. I'm tired of blaming me. This is you, and who you are, not me.

Day 2

Monday

The day I looked forward to most, the part of my journey that I wanted to live to the max was Baquee and Medina. The dream was to see His home, but the level of excitement that is attached to seeing every Imam. Now that's special. Every Imam exudes a special magic that resonates throughout you soul. When people go on Ziyarah and discover a new found belief in God it's the feeling that these personalities create. 

So my expectation of Medina was the serenity and peace of Muhammad, the humanity of Fatimah, the peace of Hassan, the knowledge of Muhammad Baqir and the scientific knowledge of Sadiq. So I was aiming high. The moment I saw the green dome my heart literally melted. Like ice in the Medina sunshine. 

The feeling was overwhelming, literally overwhelming. I didn't know what to feel or how to understand it. So many amazing personalities in one place would have that impact. Last night still is a blue of emotion. Tears, smiles, laughter aside all I could do is stare. 

I always knew Baquee would be my nemesis, I couldn't stand there and see what they had done to the grave of the lady of light, how could they. Whenever I think Baquee a silent tear rolls down my cheek. Yet, when I finally got to see what they had done to her even after her death, I was nothing but angry. I stood there in utter shock, not just disgusted at the fact ladies are not allowed to go inside anymore, not at the tearing down of Baytal Huzn but at the idea of even after her death they won't let her be in peace. It's disgusting. The utter disgust, the anger was just shocking. I'm a pacifist at heart and by nature, I'm excitable but not angry. 

What really did make me happy and calm again, was to recite Hadise Kisaa where it was revealed. Now that's jannah. Everyone know I love a good story. But Hadise Kisaa makes my soul sore. The angels coming down to listen to the story of the leaders of our universe. Now that's special. My mind will forever cherish that moment. Spiritual snapshot time. 

Medina will always be special to me, but just for the record, it's still Najaf <3 so far! 

The start of Hajj

The day began with many anxious feelings, fear being the most prominent. Flights are my nemesis, I hate flying more than smelly feet. Just to make sure the experience was amply bad I accumulated an eye infection. So the before even washing my face there was a planned trip to the on call optometrist aka hash. Diagnosed with an infection a trip to boots. 

The hardest part of today was saying bye, seeing the longing everyone felt to be a part of my trip, in some cases wanting to replace me. The sweetest was a friend wanting to fit into my luggage. I called a friend five times to say goodbye, yet each time we spoke I wanted to say bye all the less.  Reminded me of a quote I once read. "Friendship in its purest form can be seen as an act of worship"

On the bright side, which there always is one. The masses of "nasta" and snacks that suddenly appeared at home this morning, made my heart smile. 

Seeing everyone at the airport gave me serious anxiety issues, a continuing theme throughout today by the way. So many khojas, and I have to live with them for weeks, not mere hours. After an hour in the check in queue I turned to my uncle and mother saying "I just realised we're surrounded by khojas" I got the unanimous response of "shush". I guess that's where they draw the line to my sarcasm. 

Mum got stopped at security and her handbag is kept aside, I realising she's left some liquid in her handbag smile, the knowings of a well travelled mother-daughter combination. I let my uncle queue with her to investigate, at which point I saw just how being with a sibling reduces you back to the child bond you form, no matter how old you are. Completely justifying my immaturity around my siblings. He questioned her possession of liquids, she protested and denied. At the point when she gets caught having not removed her hand sanitisation gel, he turns to me expecting support. I smiled, at which point he realised where my loyalties lie. 

To be honest, this whole part journey has made me realise how accustomed I am to being surrounded by the people I love and my comforts. I'm not just referring to my reliance on the apple systems, but my need to think out loud. My questioning around the washroom design and my shock at the Asian toilet filled me with the realisation of how unprepared I am for this trip. However, humanity lives on. That makes me smile. I asked a random stranger in the group to offer out my chicken sandwiches. He smiled and offered me snacks in return. It touches my heart when strangers behave as though helping you is an honour for them. Yes, I know I'm a princess even on Hajj. 

As I sit here in the prayer room at Cairo airport, surrounded by sleeping women I hope this journey leads to a fresh start and we all find out peace. 

The start

The seminar brought it all home. The excitement. The fantasy. The dream. The prelude. All I can think is, I'm finally going to see it. My dream since the age of six, going round a black painted box was to see His home. Visit Him and see where Imam Ali was born. So the obsession with Ali has been there for a while. Najaf <3. I've imagined, dreamed, wished, prayed for the day to come when I get to finally go. Going to the seminar made me realise, perhaps even rediscover, the love I held for this dream. 

Beyond insha'Allah and Alhamdulillah...there is nothing further...