Discovering me...

After the big move to Switzerland, where customs writes you amazing letters for charges, in a language you don't understand to the ingredients in your recipes that can not be bought or shipped here (ingredients that can be smuggled in a suitcase). After the overwhelming urge to escape and "go home" we agreed to give it a go. To make a trip to good old London town and buy the Spaghetti hoops I so desperately craved (credit to the amazingly patient husband for tolerating my cravings).

After hours spent on the internet, with my tiny computer screen and iPad, I discovered a better understanding of where my urge to eat familiar foods (mainly junk) and where my feelings of anxiety rooted from. There's a period between the wedding day and 3 months later where you don't really feel like anything is the same. It's a scary period because, "home is where my mum is", now not only is there another lady in your life who you refer to by that name (my MIL is lovely), but I no longer lived with mum :(. Still miss her like crazy, not a day goes by where I don't wish to see her face, long to tell her about all my adventures, take her for a crazy mission. My mum is and always will be my biggest blessing. But there's things like cleaning the kettle, and ridding it of limescale, to actually making the most imperfect curry and having her fix it. It's this period of free flux, (maybe for me the transition was more challenging as I didn't share my upcoming nuptials till a month before the wedding). But it was this time, where I was "settling", I needed to ingest the familiar foods I had in London, and drink the Red Label tea my mum bought from Sainsbury's to feel right. Not having access to Bisto gravy literally gave me feelings of anxiety and I remember walking back from the big Coop with tears in my eyes as to how I would make roast dinner (which I have never made or craved - the one dish my brothers are resoponsible for).

It wasn't the foods, or the familiar tastes it was the fear of not being surrounded by the same house I had lived in for 25 years, where no matter how messy it was home! The people inside were my own, and the smells were ours, and the food tasted good no matter who cooked. I tried to keep my old routines of walking, working, my old schedules and friends, soon enough I had myself muddled into volunteering and over-booking myself not realising that life wasn't ever going to be the same.

The moment where it all hit home was in Ramadhan, mid-way through when I couldn't stomach soup at iftar. I was still trying so hard to live my old life that I wasn't giving my new life a chance. I needed to just stop. Stop trying to be who I used to be and rediscover who I was now, what I was meant to be in my new life. I also realised then that I had truly married my best friend, even after my crazy need for specific foods, refusing to eat paprika crisps, and my extreme schedule, he agreed with me to work towards where we wanted to go, those plans we made while engaged, our purpose of getting closer to God, our set goals. He's a patient man.

And when I embraced the adventure, happiness became a bi-product of gratitude to the Almighty.

It's been a while...

So it’s been a while since I last wrote anything on this site. Well let’s put it this way, GIH got married, moved to Switzerland, started a MSc and changed jobs. It’s been crazy, I mean for one my entire engagement and wedding were secret, the whole concept of it seems so distant now that I’m coming round to realising my life has turned upside down! I have moved from my family home to living alone, working from the apartment and learning new languages to encourage integration. So yes, lot’s to catch up on, but this has never been a daily feed. In this entire process, I have learnt a lot more about me than anything else. I have learnt what keeps me going through the hard times, without a family around to tell me to fix up, I’ve learnt about how the sadness can teach patience in a way you never thought you could possess. I’ve learnt about love and happiness too, but that can be scary too.

Ashura

Each year we live through the 10th of Muharram learning something new, hearing something shocking, recognizing our differences and similarities, wishing for change, this one tearful day is always accompanied by lots of contemplation. This year in that sense was no difference. We went through a process of identifying the ones that He loves, and distances ourselves from those that opposed them, in recognition of those He doesn’t want us to follow. Just like plants grow toward the direction of light, us human beings need to follow the direction of the light too, in the case of Ashura, Husayn is the light and our remembrance of Ashura is our pledge to ensure we will be at the side of his grandson. The question I always ask is “really, would I be on the side of Husayn if was around back then?” I ask the question sincerely because I would think I would be on the side of his grandson, but truly analyze your actions, I did. So when I pray without focus, when I don’t think before I speak, am I really representative of what Husayn had, and hence what his grandson, the Imam of my time needs. I spent the 9th day of Muharram preparing for the 10th day, I ironed clothes, got prayer items together, drank less water, had simple foods for iftar, collected up books, and straightened my mindset. The last preparation task is what took most time, how do you prepare yourself to knowing what massacre will take place, reading the news seeing that today’s society is no different to what the society was like back then, what differentiates me from them, how do I make a change, how do I prepare for my Imam, what do I do to not just present him with tears. As you can imagine, I had a lot of questions with not many answers. History gives some context to what my thoughts to the future are and should be. What must a human being go through to get to the level of not recognizing the Imam of their time, will I be like them? I teach kids, and I ask them if they would throw rubbish at the Prophet, it’s a story they’ve heard from young about how their Prophet was treated and demonstrative of his akhlaq. I always get a resounding, disgusted “NO”. Then I tell them how people did that to their Prophet. I then like to ask them if they do what their mummy’s tell them, and I’m pretty sure we’re all guilty of not doing that (even me). At this point my class is silent, I ask if they think the Imam’s did. I tell them how when we build up little attributes from their young age that we carry with us till the future, it’s the little things that we forget, respecting our parents, listening to our mummy’s, not talking over each other, these are the little things that lead us to recognize when we are wrong. I then go on to talk about how, when you do so many small naughty things you start to cover up your conscious and its afraid to tell you when you’re wrong, and that how people got to throwing rubbish at the Prophet. I’m not sure my story is totally theologically correct, but we’re given a way of life, akhlaq and humanity have a very close link, my point here is that when we start to ignore the smaller things we may get to level of those whom we ask God to withhold His rahma from.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is sacred. It's the turning back to your God from transgressions. You remember some, forget some yet they are all recorded. When i think about forgiveness, i think about about others, all those that have caused me harm, hurt me in some way. The power of self i guess. Then when dwell on all that has happened i think about devine law, recognise that the harm was the will of my God too. He allowed it to happened so in reality, i have been caused no harm. 

I have a firm belief in the hands of people being used to perform the miracles of my God, so why do i have the right to feel wronged. Tonight, i forgive, not because i feel sorry for myself or i have been told to relieve myself of the burdens i carry, in the form of pain, but because its not my chart to keep score. One judge! 

So now tonight, the focus is on my repentence. No one is perfect - not even the girl in headscarf. Tonight i turn back, not to go backwards, but forwards. In order to move forwards i feel devine help is required. You cant request help unless you clean the past misgivings. 

Forgiveness is journey, a journey back to the God who created you. He created perfection, which i tarnished, broke, dirtied and desecrated. 

Rabb translates to nourisher. Think about nourishment - automatically thinks about food. So within food, there are categories, there's healthy food, there's good food, bad food and junk food. Depending on what i eat, and the level of nourishment within that food will lead to my level of nourishment. Now when i look at my Rabb, depending on what i take from Him, request, believe and trust, thats what i will see within me. 

I can only take what is my capacity, when i hold sin (go against devine laws) i fill myself with what is not good. Lowering my capacity. Then i turn to Him and i make requests, im full to near capacity with sin, so i have less space for devine blessings. When i beg and beseech forgiveness i free up capacity to receive. 

Happiness

Sometimes you reach a point in life where you hear so much, you feel so much and its all so much that you stop. Just stop in your tracks and wonder how lucky you are. 

I've had the honour of having friends from many generations. I played cards with a 7 year old today, she slipped in that she saw me last weekend in Southall eating jalebi. I stopped the game to ask her why she didnt say hello, her response shocked me "you looked happy, i like seeing you happy". What a brilliant answer. Who isnt happy with a bag full of hot jalebi and a friend? 

Before I met my little friend i spent some time with a colleague, he's an uncle age, in the middle of my day the beginning of his (he's from philly) he took time to explain and sort my problems out. He owes me nothing but he took time out of his schedule to ensure i was ok. After 67 minutes of making sure i was well advised he ended the call saying "i just want to see you happy, im sure thats all anyone wants for you". 

Just now i chatted to my nanimas friend, now my friend who told me "hearing you be happy is all i need to be happy". 

Different generations, worlds apart. Not related. But people that care. Just about me. I said this out loud yesterday, so i'll repeat it here. Sometimes you see the planning of your God. You see how He sends you what you need and who you need. Without asking. I'm blessed because in my world there are people who care, love and even wish me happiness. 

I'm blessed to have friends in generations, cultures and worlds that may never mix, but will always be my gifts from Him :) Alhamdulillah. 

The last Friday of the Holy month

For me Ramadhan is a time to figure things out, settle and calm the world I live in. So the essence of Ramadhan is a culmination of everything I have been taught since I was a child coming into practice. It also strikes me as a month of magic and reform. I say reform because you naturally see. You see clearly as to who you are. You remove all the e-numbers, caffeine, sugar and any other substance from your diet and see who you are without any influence. Of course, there’s an amazingly enriched spiritual atmosphere and the unity of depriving yourself of physical sustenance in order to feed your soul. I’m a true believer in whatever action or thoughts you may have during a day, have an impact on your soul. So if I consider shouting at someone, just the thought has an impact, should I choose to not follow through and speak calmly to the individual, the negative impact the thought had is replaced by a positive mark. Now that’s a simplistic example, let me get into the nitty gritty of my point. In Ramadhan while fasting I choose to worship my God by removing all physical influence on my body. I worship Him by becoming pure. So the only influence I may have on my soul is my own being. Going back to my simple example, if I shout it’s because that’s who I am, and not because I haven’t had enough sugar. So I remove all blame and simplify who I am. To really who I am. I went into this Holy moth being me. Just that, I did a 30 day no fried food challenge to raise money for charity, I gave up caffeine too. It’s a personal goal of mine to figure out what being with tea green or black, or coffee (my one a day) would be like. When I got into the month, I dreaded my life and my world. I slowly realized this nasty habit of sleeping late, waking up early and using a stimulant such as coffee was not my solution. I just need to sleep earlier, I don’t need coffee. My first realization after 3 days. The no fried food sincerely helped my feeling of lethargy and tiredness, enough water helped too. And I only had one slice of cake over this whole month. Very proud of that. Well done me. When I took away the physical I saw the physical impact. Now that’s simple. Obvious right. What shocks me till date is when I removed the physical I felt the spiritual impact too. I read Qur’an every day, and I’m not saying I’m now a great reciter, but I felt the peace I crave in Najaf here in London town. Just reading, I also read the meaning, I felt the words, I understood things and concepts which never struck me. Each time I picked up and activity, be it dua, drawing or even reading I could connect and focus. I wasn’t the usual me, where I start 1 task get distracted and move to doing 3 other tasks. I was like the man in limitless where I could do one task completely and move to the next. I did more work for my company in the last month than I would have thought. I adjusted my physical and gained my spiritual. I believed, I had faith. The culmination of this Holy month, is always for the 23rd night (laylatul qadr – the night of power) aka the Qur’an birthday. And yes I celebrate. The pretty abaya comes out to play and I spend the night feasting on some of my favourite supplications. This year was difference, I recounted every single little thing since this time last year, I made lists of where and what I wanted in the next year. I’ve never seen more clearly before that night. That night I stayed up and I didn’t need to speak to talk. I had a direct line. I remember the same night last year as clearly as yesterday. My wants/demands were different but I know that I became me through this year and it’s who I was destined to be. As I look back on this month, I’m gathering together and forming the pieces of a new me. One I don’t want to lose to caffeine or sugar or empty foods. I smile at what I’m leaving behind and cherish what I have gained. In truth I don’t believe in goodbyes or widaa. I never said widaa to anyone of the shrines I visited I never said widaa to the ka’ba. Today as we look at the final Friday of this Holy month, I just want to what I have gained to stay. Based on this- I will not be joining the moon sighters tonight to look for Eid a day early, I will be patiently praying for this Holy month to stay as a massive mark on my soul. I will always look back on this Ramadhan as the Ramadhan I became someone less yet more. A renewed chii. A new found happiness. Let the harmony continue. No widaa.

Abd

UAs I sit here at my next on a typical Monday morning, writing my list. I’m a list girl, if you’re not on the list you’re not on the list. Hence, GIHS will not be touching your request till you’re on the list. Of course, if you ply me with sweet foods and caffeinated products you make the list the other way is if you’re someone who I respect. That’s too much about my morning and too little about my task so far. As many of you will be aware I have been spending a lot of time, alone, yes with me. I want to figure out what purpose, talent and magic I hold. To me the scariest part of this journey is figuring out the truth. Reality bites! Clieches aside, I am a true believer in everyone being special and everyone having their own magic. The best investment you can make as a human being is in yourself, right? 

I decided to follow the advice of those a lot smarter than me. If you want to find out about a subject ask a specialist. I went to the Qur’an my book of guidance, the one written for me by the One who loves me 70 times more than my mother. That’s a lot of love. So the Qur’an eloquently tells me, I was created to worship. That’s mine, and every other creations job. I am an ‘abd’ aka worshipper. Now we have all seen my views on the definition of worship, so I went to somewhere where there is a lot more knowledge. I read an article written on Mutahari (awesome scholar and totally the don of understanding) – my opinion based on reading 2 books). He defines a worshipper/slave in a story. The story goes, there’s a slave market in Arabia, clearly they sell slaves. One merchant sells a slave for 100 dirhams, next one 200 dirhams. Now the prices here are based on talent. So for example my slave can read and write so he can teach your kids, whereas, my slave is small and won’t take up too much space, my slave can wash 100 dishes in 30 minutes and the examples are now to your understanding. In this market, one merchant decides to show up and market his slave for 10,000 dirhams. There’s a huge crowd around bidding the price up for this slave and passersby aren’t sure what’s so special about this one, but stop to watch. Finally, the winning bidder pays 20,000, a full 10,000 dirhams above the asking price for an average looking slave. When he take the slave home, the other slaves demand to know why, all the response they get is he defines an ‘abd’ of his master, just wait and watch. From the second the slave lands there he is left in the cellar, without food and water for 3 days. While the other slaves are given quarters in the house to sleep and rest, he is left alone, they are fed and continue to do their daily tasks. Thre days later when he is brought infront of his master, the slave is asked how he is, the response is “I am at your pleasure my master”. That day he is beaten at the request of the master, then thrown back in the cellar for a further day. Again the same response “I am at your pleasure my master” when asked of his plight. Further torture and tests are done over the next week. Finally, the slave is brought to his master with the same response “I am at your pleasure my master”. The master then responds to the rest of the slaves. This is my ‘abd’, no matter what I do he reveres my command as his master. 

 Long story, but here’s some context to why I told you. I get an owie, I complain and moan and blame God. I endure a little hardship my expectation is for Him – my Lord – to break down the world. So I’m a bit of a princess, but my God loves me 70 times more than my mummy loves me, so it’s allowed. My job isn’t to complain and moan and cry, and exclaim disbelief. My purpose, my role, my journey is to live His plan. When I say His plan. I mean the grand plan. The one where the most power being ever has sat down and thought through what He would like me to achieve. So just live it. That’s my take away this Ramadhan! LIVE! Stop complaining, stop worrying and stressing. He’s got your back 

A very excited to live GIHS!