Arafat

As I sit here on the planes of Arafat my heart goes to Karbala. It's really hot. Like so hot that leaving my air conditioned cabin hurts my feet. The few steps I took out of the door to my feet burnt. In the state of ehram, complaints are not allowed. At all. We slept in air conditioned cabins, which was an experience. So baring in mind I'm a princess and don't like proximity with strangers. An interesting experience to say the least.

They say you learn about yourself on Hajj. Your soul knows what it needs to heal and renew. I've spent many years trying to figure out what makes me insecure. What it is that hurts me to make the littlest insensitivity break me. I learnt in Arafat it's ok. It's fine to break so long as you rebuild yourself in a better way. 

In the heat, the dust and Mosquitos i identified what I didn't want to keep about myself and what I did like. I think one thing I do really well is criticise myself. I can break myself to pieces but rebuilder what's broken i never do. There's a lot behind my smile that I've been brushing over. After the group Amaal I spent quality time with my iPod in thinking. Just thinking. Having the Qur'an in the background I find really helps me focus. Just recognise why it all happens the way it does. I can't say it changed me, I can say I learnt. Knowing why you do something helps to stop or change. Hajj is a turning point, the change is gradual once you get back. It just starts here. 

I prayed for forgiveness, one of my wishes when seeing the ka'ba was forgiveness. I try, I try to be better each time but we all make mistakes. I want to renew me. I want to be free that's all. Free from the old me, I know I have good intentions but things go wrong. Forgiveness and redemption have been two key themes throughout this trip. When Hajra runs in saee she is scared for her son, yet has complete faith in His Rahma. That's what Hajj to me is, faith in His Rahma and fear of the sins we have committed. 

With my bites in my ehram we crammed into a bus, as the third bus broke down, we stood on the bus to Muzdallifah. Experiences change you, they don't harm you, they help you know your capacity. We prayed Magrib on the sands of Muzdallifah. Next to my mum in her usual form, she made me laugh and told me off for my "salfal". Yes, my mums back to herself! My soul screamed Alhamdulillah when she told me off, to which she looked at me saying "I'm telling you off, why are you smiling?" That's my mummy :) 

For each stone I collected I thought of a vice, forgetting to count my 71. After pouring out my bag to count my pebbles, I realised my vices come from my insecurities. Let's work on them too. Ahmed uncle asked us not to go too close to the edge of the cliff, he does really care for us. 

Mina. Here we arrived, walking through the tunnel. I realised that every journey has a destination. Mina wasn't my final destination but a reformation for my journey. I take my new found realisations and throw them at jamaraat and leave them there. They don't come back with me. Mina is where they stay while I move on. Life is a working progress. It builds you, shapes you into what you're meant to be. On the way to jamaraat Ukba, I made my mum promise me she would throw her fear away. When I watched her throw her stones I knew I had my mum back. That's when I knew my Rabb had accepted my duas. 

The aunty who slept next to me on the very cosy mattresses insisted on touching me in her sleep. Gosh, there's broken sleep then there's sleeping in the fear of being touched by random aunty. We were woken for breakfast, which I rightfully avoided. Portion control is not an Arab trait. Then after an hour more of sleep we hijacked for Ahmed uncle to tell us, "ladies, go shower". Very welcome news. And what a shower, after a two hour queue, I was clean, still no brushing, but tomorrow needs a highlight too. We showered, slept some more had dinner - chicken nuggets. 

P.S. The food section if this blog is dedicated to a request for diet section to this diary.