Belief

 

The more time i spend reading or thinking the more I keep coming to one conclusion. If salaa the ritual/spiritual conversation with God, every muslim does five times a day is for me. I pray because it benefits me. We're all told of the benefits of meditation. It's all for me. Every dua I read is asking/requesting/demanding things for me. So again it's for me and my benefit. Qur'an - now surely thats for Him. For God. I read His words. That's for Him. Again no it's all for me. I gain knowledge. I find my peace in His words. 

So here's my thing. Why am I here? 

The Qur'an eloquently tells me He did not create anything or being but to worship Him. What is this worship is my real question. If my salaa is for me, my dua/supplication is for me, my Qur'an is for me. Why is my existence required by God? 

He owes me nothing but keeps giving. I'm not struck down by lightening for doubting Him. I'm not forgotten by Him because I spend a day without praying. When my minds on work or even play. How is it that my God still allows me to breathe and think and be. I'm in my world having Him be there but not remembering Him. Why is my God who can, not forgotten me? 

So here's my thing. I keep being going back to Prophet Ibraheim. Now each time i seem to question, I'm drawn to him. So here goes. Ibraheim is tested. He's burnt by fire. He's commanded to slaughter his child. He's tested to say the least. It facinates me. To say the least Ibraheim has it tough. So how does he still believe in a God that tests him. I wont say punishes but if you look at history he takes alot. Ibraheim's reaction is what gets me. He's asked to slaughter his son. Now, he's begged and pleaded. Left the love of his life Sarah. Married a black slave woman. Dealt with female jelousy. The guys worked for this kid. When he's asked to slaughter the kid he goes as far as doing it. Only for the son to be replaced by a sheep. 

So what was God trying to show us. What did the example of Ibraheim bring to me. He believes. Throughout everything he believes. 

Perhaps that's what I do to worship God. I believe. The one thing i do for Him. Keeps my sanity too. Tawakal Allah. Faith in Allah. My job is to believe the rest is upto Him. That's what i think we're here for. To pass the test you have to believe. That's what i think. 

Decisions

There comes a point when you know it’s the right time. Sometimes your pushed and pulled in different directions. Where you make decisions that serve you in that moment. So as a girl I know shopping is my impulse world, then they created online shopping and my room is full of impulse decisions, that don’t fit, don’t work and don’t look good. My personal favorite is the I don’t want any more purchase. In that moment when I saw that top it was my be all and end all. It was going to be the one. Every girl I know has met the one, bought it, perhaps even worn it and lived through a whole day of, okay perhaps not quiet the one. 

 We’re human we make decisions and we map our lives out. We plan. Someone very wise, who I hold a lot of respect for, and hopefully will never read this blog, said to me “you can’t plan for other people”. It’s the most honest advice I’ve heard in a long time. 

I made a decision in a bubble or a vacuum if I’m honest. I chose a top, pair of trousers, even socks, without thinking about the rest of the world. To be honest you’ll be surprised at how many of us do that. Even the big life decisions. We make them in a bubble as I call it. There’s no thought process linked to how this tiny decision will flow into my life. We select our thoughts and life plans based on just “me”. Those small “why not” moments resonate throughout our lives. 

Think about it. Why did you choose to wear the outfit you wore to work today. Why did you choose to walk past that person you knew on TFL and look the other way. It’s the bubble strategy. We as human beings seem to feel it okay to make decisions and picks our paths in isolation. Decisions that serve you in the moment leave a mark. 

 Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Einstein didn’t make that up. It’s true. Those flippant remarks have an impact. Those silly comments define you. That blazeh attitude, that thoughtless ignoring someone has an impact. Just so you know this isn’t me ranting about someone ignoring me this morning. Everything has an impact. I have an impact is my point. My words may sting here, but you my dear reader have impact. I want to tell you a personal story of how I made a silly decision. In isolation without thinking of the impact it would have on those around me. I reclused and fell into my bubble. I have spent the last few months of my life avoiding unnecessary conversation, any interaction with other human beings has been limited. For those that don’t know me, I’m the girl in the headscarf who has a thing or two to say. My silence didn’t do anything for me. But last night I realized that those around me, they’ve been quiet. My people the people I know and love. They’ve stopped being them because I stopped being me. I truly believe I’m insignificant. This weekend I watched the boys I teach reflect my fears in our class. It scares me to think, the one thing that I value most about being me is my acceptance of people. These boys 7-8 years old were scared. Now I’ve been running the vision exercise for 3 years. My classes are always the ones who believe they can do anything. But this year they didn’t. They just wanted to be mediocre. 

I don’t settle for mediocre. You are special. We are all special. After being disappointed in them I came back in the afternoon with a bottle of shani – diabetes in a bottle, thinking it through. I realized my closed attitude had worn on them. 

Then last night I spoke to a friend, who I told I was ready to go back to being me, when I told my friend I expected nothing and their friendship was enough, their response shocked me to pieces. “you made my day”. I told them you knew this. You knew this I didn’t need to say it. In all honesty the truth is my bubble decision had changed me and my dynamics of friendship. If you’re my friend you know you’re awesome. To get my attention you must be pretty amazing. When I stopped being me. When I made that decision. The people around me weren’t them too. My decision to change that served me in that moment helped me. I mean it taught me who I am. What I want to be and where I’m going. When I’m being thrown into just serving me I forget that there is a whole world around me that relies on me. 

Not because I’m significant but because He didn’t make me in isolation. I exist to serve a purpose. We all do. 

 THINK! Before you decide. THINK again.

Dreams

Commit to paper what you want to see in your life. So here goes the dreams of a girl in headscarf...

I want to see peace, not just in my world but the entirity of my universe. My world revolves around a global phenomenon of humanity. That includes everyone. I want to see the peace I see in my grandfathers face when he fights the fog of Alzheimer's yet demands I call him nana. I love the peace in my grandmothers eyes, the pure admiration with which she looks at her daughter my mum. The most important peace I love to watch is the unconditional, pure love I see in my mums eyes when she looks at her 4 children (now 5) the way her eyes light up when we play nice - rare occasions. I see my Rabb in my mum. For every tear I cry she matches with a dua to her Rabb. I need to describe my relationship with this lady, not as just my mother but my bestfriend. My greatest supporter and my best critic. I can come rushing with a new idea to be cut down to shreds yet know its because I'm loved. Just so you know my ideas are pretty ridiculous. At the same time I can spend all day worrying about something that just by telling her goes away. The calmness my mother commands, the compassion the love with she shares with all of humanity. I'm pretty sure I've never heard a word against anyone from her mouth. She's so taking me to jannah. But before I get there she is my peice of jannah. 

I want to feel love. I spent time describing my mum because it's difficult to describe love without knowing her. To me love is acceptance. The freedom to be who you are and be accepted. I find everyone tries to change, manipulate or even alter others. Love is freedom. You are free to be you and be worshipped in your own right JUST FOR BEING YOU. My mum does that. You never walk away feeling unworthy. You're special. Just for being you. I want to see and be more of that. That's my dream. May no one ever walk away from me feeling less than what they are. 

Recognition. That's my next dream. Hand in hand with love. I want to recognise the good the bad and ugly inside me. I want to change it to reflect the peace and love i expect. The Law of Reflection establishes that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves. Recognising that will establish a pattern. The less of the ugly that you see the less is within you. Karmic energy fixed is what will happen in my dream. 

We all dream of a happy ending, in order for me to visualise what mine is. For me to work towards it i will need to describe it here. Jannah. I want to see my Rabb. Not with my physical eyes but through my soul. I want a soul to be proud to show him. Wear my scars with pride. Show Him how i lived His plan not mine. I want to feel my God. I want to be able to seek His counsel, appreciate His wisdom. That's the dream to manifest. For me that's my jannah. Him and me. Me and Him. 

I fell...

I woke up everyday this week grateful and adamant to change. Sent out what i wanted back from the universe. Last night I felt I had broken through. It had all changed. Changed. Then today, it happened again. So I gave advice to a friend along the lines of "you are who you are, if you let people change you, then is no replacement. There is no you in the world, it's the adjusted/controlled version of you".  in theory my advice is sound. When i say sound it's the American sound, their way of saying un-flawed. In theory it makes perfect sense, in reality allowing circumstances to change, alter or control you is easy. 

I personally don't work by a score card system, you win some you loose some. Sometimes, when you loose you win. Sometimes even though you win other than the ego you end up with nothing.

I have principals super expensive principals. Like I'm talking the kind that will keep you awake at night expensive.  Well they do me. 

The courage of yourconvictions is something I often say and even I mistake it for arrogance. If the girl in headscarf says she'll do it that's it she will. 

Today when I woke after a week of choosing to send out to the universe nothing but pure kindness. As pure as kindness can be when you expect it back! It bit me. Sure as anything in this realm. I was bit. I'm not so sure it was inherently evil, more or less, or infact enough. My initial response was "thanks...and what?" I can do this. I carry on till I can't anymore. By the way I hate that word. Can't. Why not is my instinctive response. Then I hear itin my mind, because you have Him. "Having Him" and "can do" are different. Can do is a state of mind. Which today "I can't" had replaced. I know I can be sat in room of strangers who I can walk away from as a friend. For every can I had a can't. Because my friend, my Him was gone. Not because He chose to leave but because in my can do, I forgot Him. 

Often people approach me with problems, issues, lots of drama. I tell them it will all work out, here's a dua. An amaal. Today when I saw tears, I can't is all I could do. So i did what any child would do. I decided to not believe.

 The not believe didn't last long. If I cant see it I cant believe. If this then this. Every irrational, illogical, insane argument went through. I made decisions, I moved mountains in my mind. Till I fell. I tripped. Nice brise on my leg if you're interested. I rolled up my jeans and checked for blood. That's when I saw. I saw what my mind could not comprehed. I left Him. I walked away. He just let me fall to find Him. Sometimes, i doubt, im scared and I dont believe. 

Today right now, I'm telling you I do. I saw. Not with eyes but my heart. The second I walked away He called me back. 

The can do and having Him, are seperate but linked here. Because when the can do broke so did the having Him.