Inside

I know I'm her in Medina but there are things that stopping and thinking make you realise. Time makes you recount every action or thought. Sometimes we unknowingly confine ourselves to being who we think we should be. 

I sound vague, but we all know sometimes be bury he hurt so deep in real life that you don't even realise it hurts anymore. Sometimes, we get so used to betrayal, exclusion and paranoia that we forget we it's painful. 

I spend a lot of my days caring for how other people are, how you feeling, following up from told ailments. It's just who I am, justifying my behaviour, just because an action can be justified doesn't make it right. When something inside breaks, it hurts yet, because we can't swell on it we pick ourselves up and carry on. 

Today when I sat in the haram calmly just to reflect on what I was doing here, what actions led to today. I realised how much pain I was in, inside where no one could see. All the little begging comments from people, the flippant remarks, the questions, the questions are my nemesis to be honest they hurt the most. This realisation made me assess what I had done to deserve the cruelty and brutality of others. That led me to where I am today, I blame me for other peoples actions. That's wrong. Maybe wanting some care is too much to ask for. So why ask, why do I expect people to be nice when clearly they're not capable. 

None of the way others behave is my problem or responsibility at all. I'm only in control of who I am, and what I do not anyone else. So here's a conclusion people won't like. If you choose to hurt my feelings, I leave you accountable to Him. I'm tired of blaming me. This is you, and who you are, not me.