Happiness

Sometimes you reach a point in life where you hear so much, you feel so much and its all so much that you stop. Just stop in your tracks and wonder how lucky you are. 

I've had the honour of having friends from many generations. I played cards with a 7 year old today, she slipped in that she saw me last weekend in Southall eating jalebi. I stopped the game to ask her why she didnt say hello, her response shocked me "you looked happy, i like seeing you happy". What a brilliant answer. Who isnt happy with a bag full of hot jalebi and a friend? 

Before I met my little friend i spent some time with a colleague, he's an uncle age, in the middle of my day the beginning of his (he's from philly) he took time to explain and sort my problems out. He owes me nothing but he took time out of his schedule to ensure i was ok. After 67 minutes of making sure i was well advised he ended the call saying "i just want to see you happy, im sure thats all anyone wants for you". 

Just now i chatted to my nanimas friend, now my friend who told me "hearing you be happy is all i need to be happy". 

Different generations, worlds apart. Not related. But people that care. Just about me. I said this out loud yesterday, so i'll repeat it here. Sometimes you see the planning of your God. You see how He sends you what you need and who you need. Without asking. I'm blessed because in my world there are people who care, love and even wish me happiness. 

I'm blessed to have friends in generations, cultures and worlds that may never mix, but will always be my gifts from Him :) Alhamdulillah. 

The last Friday of the Holy month

For me Ramadhan is a time to figure things out, settle and calm the world I live in. So the essence of Ramadhan is a culmination of everything I have been taught since I was a child coming into practice. It also strikes me as a month of magic and reform. I say reform because you naturally see. You see clearly as to who you are. You remove all the e-numbers, caffeine, sugar and any other substance from your diet and see who you are without any influence. Of course, there’s an amazingly enriched spiritual atmosphere and the unity of depriving yourself of physical sustenance in order to feed your soul. I’m a true believer in whatever action or thoughts you may have during a day, have an impact on your soul. So if I consider shouting at someone, just the thought has an impact, should I choose to not follow through and speak calmly to the individual, the negative impact the thought had is replaced by a positive mark. Now that’s a simplistic example, let me get into the nitty gritty of my point. In Ramadhan while fasting I choose to worship my God by removing all physical influence on my body. I worship Him by becoming pure. So the only influence I may have on my soul is my own being. Going back to my simple example, if I shout it’s because that’s who I am, and not because I haven’t had enough sugar. So I remove all blame and simplify who I am. To really who I am. I went into this Holy moth being me. Just that, I did a 30 day no fried food challenge to raise money for charity, I gave up caffeine too. It’s a personal goal of mine to figure out what being with tea green or black, or coffee (my one a day) would be like. When I got into the month, I dreaded my life and my world. I slowly realized this nasty habit of sleeping late, waking up early and using a stimulant such as coffee was not my solution. I just need to sleep earlier, I don’t need coffee. My first realization after 3 days. The no fried food sincerely helped my feeling of lethargy and tiredness, enough water helped too. And I only had one slice of cake over this whole month. Very proud of that. Well done me. When I took away the physical I saw the physical impact. Now that’s simple. Obvious right. What shocks me till date is when I removed the physical I felt the spiritual impact too. I read Qur’an every day, and I’m not saying I’m now a great reciter, but I felt the peace I crave in Najaf here in London town. Just reading, I also read the meaning, I felt the words, I understood things and concepts which never struck me. Each time I picked up and activity, be it dua, drawing or even reading I could connect and focus. I wasn’t the usual me, where I start 1 task get distracted and move to doing 3 other tasks. I was like the man in limitless where I could do one task completely and move to the next. I did more work for my company in the last month than I would have thought. I adjusted my physical and gained my spiritual. I believed, I had faith. The culmination of this Holy month, is always for the 23rd night (laylatul qadr – the night of power) aka the Qur’an birthday. And yes I celebrate. The pretty abaya comes out to play and I spend the night feasting on some of my favourite supplications. This year was difference, I recounted every single little thing since this time last year, I made lists of where and what I wanted in the next year. I’ve never seen more clearly before that night. That night I stayed up and I didn’t need to speak to talk. I had a direct line. I remember the same night last year as clearly as yesterday. My wants/demands were different but I know that I became me through this year and it’s who I was destined to be. As I look back on this month, I’m gathering together and forming the pieces of a new me. One I don’t want to lose to caffeine or sugar or empty foods. I smile at what I’m leaving behind and cherish what I have gained. In truth I don’t believe in goodbyes or widaa. I never said widaa to anyone of the shrines I visited I never said widaa to the ka’ba. Today as we look at the final Friday of this Holy month, I just want to what I have gained to stay. Based on this- I will not be joining the moon sighters tonight to look for Eid a day early, I will be patiently praying for this Holy month to stay as a massive mark on my soul. I will always look back on this Ramadhan as the Ramadhan I became someone less yet more. A renewed chii. A new found happiness. Let the harmony continue. No widaa.

Abd

UAs I sit here at my next on a typical Monday morning, writing my list. I’m a list girl, if you’re not on the list you’re not on the list. Hence, GIHS will not be touching your request till you’re on the list. Of course, if you ply me with sweet foods and caffeinated products you make the list the other way is if you’re someone who I respect. That’s too much about my morning and too little about my task so far. As many of you will be aware I have been spending a lot of time, alone, yes with me. I want to figure out what purpose, talent and magic I hold. To me the scariest part of this journey is figuring out the truth. Reality bites! Clieches aside, I am a true believer in everyone being special and everyone having their own magic. The best investment you can make as a human being is in yourself, right? 

I decided to follow the advice of those a lot smarter than me. If you want to find out about a subject ask a specialist. I went to the Qur’an my book of guidance, the one written for me by the One who loves me 70 times more than my mother. That’s a lot of love. So the Qur’an eloquently tells me, I was created to worship. That’s mine, and every other creations job. I am an ‘abd’ aka worshipper. Now we have all seen my views on the definition of worship, so I went to somewhere where there is a lot more knowledge. I read an article written on Mutahari (awesome scholar and totally the don of understanding) – my opinion based on reading 2 books). He defines a worshipper/slave in a story. The story goes, there’s a slave market in Arabia, clearly they sell slaves. One merchant sells a slave for 100 dirhams, next one 200 dirhams. Now the prices here are based on talent. So for example my slave can read and write so he can teach your kids, whereas, my slave is small and won’t take up too much space, my slave can wash 100 dishes in 30 minutes and the examples are now to your understanding. In this market, one merchant decides to show up and market his slave for 10,000 dirhams. There’s a huge crowd around bidding the price up for this slave and passersby aren’t sure what’s so special about this one, but stop to watch. Finally, the winning bidder pays 20,000, a full 10,000 dirhams above the asking price for an average looking slave. When he take the slave home, the other slaves demand to know why, all the response they get is he defines an ‘abd’ of his master, just wait and watch. From the second the slave lands there he is left in the cellar, without food and water for 3 days. While the other slaves are given quarters in the house to sleep and rest, he is left alone, they are fed and continue to do their daily tasks. Thre days later when he is brought infront of his master, the slave is asked how he is, the response is “I am at your pleasure my master”. That day he is beaten at the request of the master, then thrown back in the cellar for a further day. Again the same response “I am at your pleasure my master” when asked of his plight. Further torture and tests are done over the next week. Finally, the slave is brought to his master with the same response “I am at your pleasure my master”. The master then responds to the rest of the slaves. This is my ‘abd’, no matter what I do he reveres my command as his master. 

 Long story, but here’s some context to why I told you. I get an owie, I complain and moan and blame God. I endure a little hardship my expectation is for Him – my Lord – to break down the world. So I’m a bit of a princess, but my God loves me 70 times more than my mummy loves me, so it’s allowed. My job isn’t to complain and moan and cry, and exclaim disbelief. My purpose, my role, my journey is to live His plan. When I say His plan. I mean the grand plan. The one where the most power being ever has sat down and thought through what He would like me to achieve. So just live it. That’s my take away this Ramadhan! LIVE! Stop complaining, stop worrying and stressing. He’s got your back 

A very excited to live GIHS!

Blessings

Sometimes its the things we take for granted that we should be most grateful for. Its a bold statement, but think about it. Oxgen. Lungs. Water. Enzymes. Liver. Kidneys. I could go on in bold statements, i'll stop there  for the sake of your time, but if i was to write out what I had, count my blessings, words wouldnt be enough. For example; you all know in what high esteem i hold my mum, words dont do this woman next to me justice. Papa, bhaijaan and didi even baby Hash are my blessing. I've never lived a life without grandparents alhamdulillah for the barakah (blessing) they are to me. I'm lucky beyond measure. 

To be honest I'm not lucky. I'm blessed. Blessed by a God who is more than words. A Lord that is Rahma. No matter how much I say against Him. He doesnt punish me. He tests me and all I can do is feel sorry for myself. For those of you who weren't subject to the "pity party for one" consider yourself truely blessed. I mean blessed to the max. 

Going back to my blessings.

Theres my mosque, I'd say local but as its a 20 minute drive away, I'll stick to mosque. It's actually an Imambargah (google the difference). I complain and moan. Not about the mosque but the people. Today as I sit here near my nani's spot I feel lucky. This is home. My soul home. I feel blessed. I'm part of a community that tries. Sometimes unsuccesfully but tries. Theres always a program and its never empty here. They praise my God in their own way. With a consistent message. Trust Him. They run classes and madressa's teach the word of God. Give us a place to meet and communally worship God systematically. I'm grateful for Khojas. There I said it. 

Tonight's laylatul Bar'a the night of release. Allah swt releases us from the burden of sin and musibah (tribulations). My God in all His rahma says "ask and I will answer". Tonight He decrees destiny, life, death, sustenance and health. As always I came with a list of demands. If i dont ask the Almighty who else can I ask. Before I make my demands. Which are just that. I'm not easily pleased,  I'm a princess remember. I have so much in the last year to be thankful for. What don't I have. Tell me. You name it I have it. It's not that i deserve it. I truely dont. Im over blessed. My God has granted me all I need. He grants without measure. No one goes empty handed. If you're not granted your demand (aka dua) you'll get strength to cope with what you are granted or something better. Now that's a deal. Who could ask for more. 

It's a toughy for me to think of this night last year. My life was different. I was different. I can't say i'm better so i'll stick to different. But the realisation that tonite is 1 year on, shows how quickly we change, our lives change. Our worlds collide and collapse. Yet He stands by us throughout it all. He grants us guardians, our own angels. Strength. Guidance. When you need it. It will appear. Just as He cooled the fire for Ibraheim, He will send what you need when you need it. 

Keep the faith. You're all in my duas/demands tonight. Stay true to your God. Gratitude. The more thankful you are the more He will give you. Shukr and Hamd. 

Belief

 

The more time i spend reading or thinking the more I keep coming to one conclusion. If salaa the ritual/spiritual conversation with God, every muslim does five times a day is for me. I pray because it benefits me. We're all told of the benefits of meditation. It's all for me. Every dua I read is asking/requesting/demanding things for me. So again it's for me and my benefit. Qur'an - now surely thats for Him. For God. I read His words. That's for Him. Again no it's all for me. I gain knowledge. I find my peace in His words. 

So here's my thing. Why am I here? 

The Qur'an eloquently tells me He did not create anything or being but to worship Him. What is this worship is my real question. If my salaa is for me, my dua/supplication is for me, my Qur'an is for me. Why is my existence required by God? 

He owes me nothing but keeps giving. I'm not struck down by lightening for doubting Him. I'm not forgotten by Him because I spend a day without praying. When my minds on work or even play. How is it that my God still allows me to breathe and think and be. I'm in my world having Him be there but not remembering Him. Why is my God who can, not forgotten me? 

So here's my thing. I keep being going back to Prophet Ibraheim. Now each time i seem to question, I'm drawn to him. So here goes. Ibraheim is tested. He's burnt by fire. He's commanded to slaughter his child. He's tested to say the least. It facinates me. To say the least Ibraheim has it tough. So how does he still believe in a God that tests him. I wont say punishes but if you look at history he takes alot. Ibraheim's reaction is what gets me. He's asked to slaughter his son. Now, he's begged and pleaded. Left the love of his life Sarah. Married a black slave woman. Dealt with female jelousy. The guys worked for this kid. When he's asked to slaughter the kid he goes as far as doing it. Only for the son to be replaced by a sheep. 

So what was God trying to show us. What did the example of Ibraheim bring to me. He believes. Throughout everything he believes. 

Perhaps that's what I do to worship God. I believe. The one thing i do for Him. Keeps my sanity too. Tawakal Allah. Faith in Allah. My job is to believe the rest is upto Him. That's what i think we're here for. To pass the test you have to believe. That's what i think. 

Decisions

There comes a point when you know it’s the right time. Sometimes your pushed and pulled in different directions. Where you make decisions that serve you in that moment. So as a girl I know shopping is my impulse world, then they created online shopping and my room is full of impulse decisions, that don’t fit, don’t work and don’t look good. My personal favorite is the I don’t want any more purchase. In that moment when I saw that top it was my be all and end all. It was going to be the one. Every girl I know has met the one, bought it, perhaps even worn it and lived through a whole day of, okay perhaps not quiet the one. 

 We’re human we make decisions and we map our lives out. We plan. Someone very wise, who I hold a lot of respect for, and hopefully will never read this blog, said to me “you can’t plan for other people”. It’s the most honest advice I’ve heard in a long time. 

I made a decision in a bubble or a vacuum if I’m honest. I chose a top, pair of trousers, even socks, without thinking about the rest of the world. To be honest you’ll be surprised at how many of us do that. Even the big life decisions. We make them in a bubble as I call it. There’s no thought process linked to how this tiny decision will flow into my life. We select our thoughts and life plans based on just “me”. Those small “why not” moments resonate throughout our lives. 

Think about it. Why did you choose to wear the outfit you wore to work today. Why did you choose to walk past that person you knew on TFL and look the other way. It’s the bubble strategy. We as human beings seem to feel it okay to make decisions and picks our paths in isolation. Decisions that serve you in the moment leave a mark. 

 Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Einstein didn’t make that up. It’s true. Those flippant remarks have an impact. Those silly comments define you. That blazeh attitude, that thoughtless ignoring someone has an impact. Just so you know this isn’t me ranting about someone ignoring me this morning. Everything has an impact. I have an impact is my point. My words may sting here, but you my dear reader have impact. I want to tell you a personal story of how I made a silly decision. In isolation without thinking of the impact it would have on those around me. I reclused and fell into my bubble. I have spent the last few months of my life avoiding unnecessary conversation, any interaction with other human beings has been limited. For those that don’t know me, I’m the girl in the headscarf who has a thing or two to say. My silence didn’t do anything for me. But last night I realized that those around me, they’ve been quiet. My people the people I know and love. They’ve stopped being them because I stopped being me. I truly believe I’m insignificant. This weekend I watched the boys I teach reflect my fears in our class. It scares me to think, the one thing that I value most about being me is my acceptance of people. These boys 7-8 years old were scared. Now I’ve been running the vision exercise for 3 years. My classes are always the ones who believe they can do anything. But this year they didn’t. They just wanted to be mediocre. 

I don’t settle for mediocre. You are special. We are all special. After being disappointed in them I came back in the afternoon with a bottle of shani – diabetes in a bottle, thinking it through. I realized my closed attitude had worn on them. 

Then last night I spoke to a friend, who I told I was ready to go back to being me, when I told my friend I expected nothing and their friendship was enough, their response shocked me to pieces. “you made my day”. I told them you knew this. You knew this I didn’t need to say it. In all honesty the truth is my bubble decision had changed me and my dynamics of friendship. If you’re my friend you know you’re awesome. To get my attention you must be pretty amazing. When I stopped being me. When I made that decision. The people around me weren’t them too. My decision to change that served me in that moment helped me. I mean it taught me who I am. What I want to be and where I’m going. When I’m being thrown into just serving me I forget that there is a whole world around me that relies on me. 

Not because I’m significant but because He didn’t make me in isolation. I exist to serve a purpose. We all do. 

 THINK! Before you decide. THINK again.

Dreams

Commit to paper what you want to see in your life. So here goes the dreams of a girl in headscarf...

I want to see peace, not just in my world but the entirity of my universe. My world revolves around a global phenomenon of humanity. That includes everyone. I want to see the peace I see in my grandfathers face when he fights the fog of Alzheimer's yet demands I call him nana. I love the peace in my grandmothers eyes, the pure admiration with which she looks at her daughter my mum. The most important peace I love to watch is the unconditional, pure love I see in my mums eyes when she looks at her 4 children (now 5) the way her eyes light up when we play nice - rare occasions. I see my Rabb in my mum. For every tear I cry she matches with a dua to her Rabb. I need to describe my relationship with this lady, not as just my mother but my bestfriend. My greatest supporter and my best critic. I can come rushing with a new idea to be cut down to shreds yet know its because I'm loved. Just so you know my ideas are pretty ridiculous. At the same time I can spend all day worrying about something that just by telling her goes away. The calmness my mother commands, the compassion the love with she shares with all of humanity. I'm pretty sure I've never heard a word against anyone from her mouth. She's so taking me to jannah. But before I get there she is my peice of jannah. 

I want to feel love. I spent time describing my mum because it's difficult to describe love without knowing her. To me love is acceptance. The freedom to be who you are and be accepted. I find everyone tries to change, manipulate or even alter others. Love is freedom. You are free to be you and be worshipped in your own right JUST FOR BEING YOU. My mum does that. You never walk away feeling unworthy. You're special. Just for being you. I want to see and be more of that. That's my dream. May no one ever walk away from me feeling less than what they are. 

Recognition. That's my next dream. Hand in hand with love. I want to recognise the good the bad and ugly inside me. I want to change it to reflect the peace and love i expect. The Law of Reflection establishes that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves. Recognising that will establish a pattern. The less of the ugly that you see the less is within you. Karmic energy fixed is what will happen in my dream. 

We all dream of a happy ending, in order for me to visualise what mine is. For me to work towards it i will need to describe it here. Jannah. I want to see my Rabb. Not with my physical eyes but through my soul. I want a soul to be proud to show him. Wear my scars with pride. Show Him how i lived His plan not mine. I want to feel my God. I want to be able to seek His counsel, appreciate His wisdom. That's the dream to manifest. For me that's my jannah. Him and me. Me and Him. 

I fell...

I woke up everyday this week grateful and adamant to change. Sent out what i wanted back from the universe. Last night I felt I had broken through. It had all changed. Changed. Then today, it happened again. So I gave advice to a friend along the lines of "you are who you are, if you let people change you, then is no replacement. There is no you in the world, it's the adjusted/controlled version of you".  in theory my advice is sound. When i say sound it's the American sound, their way of saying un-flawed. In theory it makes perfect sense, in reality allowing circumstances to change, alter or control you is easy. 

I personally don't work by a score card system, you win some you loose some. Sometimes, when you loose you win. Sometimes even though you win other than the ego you end up with nothing.

I have principals super expensive principals. Like I'm talking the kind that will keep you awake at night expensive.  Well they do me. 

The courage of yourconvictions is something I often say and even I mistake it for arrogance. If the girl in headscarf says she'll do it that's it she will. 

Today when I woke after a week of choosing to send out to the universe nothing but pure kindness. As pure as kindness can be when you expect it back! It bit me. Sure as anything in this realm. I was bit. I'm not so sure it was inherently evil, more or less, or infact enough. My initial response was "thanks...and what?" I can do this. I carry on till I can't anymore. By the way I hate that word. Can't. Why not is my instinctive response. Then I hear itin my mind, because you have Him. "Having Him" and "can do" are different. Can do is a state of mind. Which today "I can't" had replaced. I know I can be sat in room of strangers who I can walk away from as a friend. For every can I had a can't. Because my friend, my Him was gone. Not because He chose to leave but because in my can do, I forgot Him. 

Often people approach me with problems, issues, lots of drama. I tell them it will all work out, here's a dua. An amaal. Today when I saw tears, I can't is all I could do. So i did what any child would do. I decided to not believe.

 The not believe didn't last long. If I cant see it I cant believe. If this then this. Every irrational, illogical, insane argument went through. I made decisions, I moved mountains in my mind. Till I fell. I tripped. Nice brise on my leg if you're interested. I rolled up my jeans and checked for blood. That's when I saw. I saw what my mind could not comprehed. I left Him. I walked away. He just let me fall to find Him. Sometimes, i doubt, im scared and I dont believe. 

Today right now, I'm telling you I do. I saw. Not with eyes but my heart. The second I walked away He called me back. 

The can do and having Him, are seperate but linked here. Because when the can do broke so did the having Him. 

Najaf 2015

People find it strange that I came all the way to Najaf to find peace. But no one understands peace till they've been to Najaf. 

We started the day with a 6am departure from Karbala. When I say heart wrenching, I mean soul crushing departure. As you may be aware I'm a little bit obsessed about stories, so I'm going to tell you how this worked. We started by arriving at Masjide Kufa, so baring in mind this is where several ambiya and aimah have prayed and have maqams, including the maqam of Nah (a personal favourite- Prophet and Maqam). So we arrive in dazed sleepy state. We pray all salaam first. It's super hot, yes it's Iraq and its supposed to be hot, but this dessert heat is Makkah all over again! half way through the amaal I casually, as casually as I do anything, pull out a bar of chocolate and pass it around the group. It makes laugh at how in london I can pray without sustenance, but here no matter how much I eat, the emergency stash is required. 

Walking in history, knowing each story, smiling at the past, tears and the salat ul jamaat. So it's announced, this is one of the four sacred masjids of Islam so you can pray full salaa. Makes me chuckle when we're told its recommended to pray full so just do it. It's always nice to have a choice. Prayed full before you judge me. 

So the tears in Masjide Kufa are based on the 19th Ramadhan when my dear Imam is struck in sajda, he is then taken to his house a short walk away from the Masjid. He moves from this world to the next at home. His body is taken. By his two sons and two angels direct them to Najaf, the site here Prophet Nuh - the Prophet with the ark, the one who tell us he had the hardest task of convincing the most difficult people for 900 years, and the father of humanity, Prophet Adam is buried. 

We get to Najaf, and crash, literally crash! We're knocked out from landIng at 3pm till 8pm. Yes even me, I sleep in the day! We awake and here the day I've waited for for months and years. We go to see my beloved Imam. I'm talking the father of 11 imams. The man that was mushkil kusha to so many. There comes a point that you realise the Wah Wah majlis is deserving, yet not enough. If free Muhammed there's a perfect human, it's Ali! 

I arrived at my spot, the golden face. The golden wall and me. I cried like a child in grief. I was in pain. Physical pain where the tears wouldn't stop. The pain wouldn't go. Every part of my soul ached, this is the sight that my soul has shown me at each moment, every pain, every disappointment, every cry, ever earth shattered taunt. This was it. I just stared while my heart poured love through my eyes in a way where it wouldn't stop. I've missed Najaf. The peace the serenity, the calm, the pinnacle, the perfection. That's where I am today and where I wish to stay for all eternity. I've been many places, too many cities, too many homes, nothing compares to Najaf. This is my home. 

Karbala wida 2015

As i sit on the coach towards Najaf. I began the morning feeling satisfied. Almost joyful beyond the tiredness. Bearing in mind. Ziyarah is sleep deprivation to the max! It's like Hajj times a 100! I'm finally going to Najaf. 

So my temperament is that of someone heading towards Masjide Kufa. To see the maqam of Nuh, Idrees, but more than anything to see the house of my beloved Ameerul Momineen, the place where he did justice, ultimately was killed but to walk history. 

When i sit in the coach looking at the dome of the haram of Aba Fadhl i stare. Just stare. Until the coach starts. I turn to see the dome through the back window. As we drive i see it getting further. Now it hits. I'm leaving. I'm leaving without a gaurantee of return. It gets further away and each turn of the wheels is taking me away. We turn and I can't see the dome. I cant see the dome. There's panic in my heart. My insides feel trapped within me. My mouth dry. I want to scream stop. Don't drive I'm not ready. I'll never be ready to leave here. I keep a tasbih of "i'll be back" in my mind but my eyes pour the emotion my soul can't. 

When I'm finally thinking my heart wont explode right here in the this coach, my friend point out the haram one last view. I frantically look. I want one last glimpse. I want to see him one more time. I want my eyes to capture the sight i sit on my musullah at home and thirst, just one last capture. You ever looked everywhere and seen nothing? I felt like i had lost the power of sight. That's the moment I knew love. True, pure love. The kind theres no limit. That's Husayn. That's Karbala. It's amazing how you can spend 6 nights in the company, in the vicinity, with the view, but when you're left with just the "spiritual snapshot" you recognise the value. 

I don't agree with the saying "you dont know what you have till it's gone". You know the value of what you have. You just don't think you'll loose it. That's reality. You're tested with what you love the most. I saw the harams everyday, every night. Last night was different. Last night i felt the harams. It was alive. I felt alive. I'm not leaving without taking them with me. Karbala will not go a ritualistic sacrifice. 

Karbala 2015

I was a little put out at the idea of coming here before seeing Ameerul Momineen in Najaf. That's how I've always seen Iraq. Kadhmain, Samarrah, Najaf, Karbala. I'm here now and I'll tell you it was perfect. 

Everything in life happens the way it doesn't because that's how it's meant to be. 

We walked the final 4km towards Karbala, barefoot. We walked, we talked, we saw, we felt, we watched. Seeing the sunset is a favourite moment. Something you never see in London. So I treasure every element of the myriad of sky shades here. I listened, even made requests. It was different to my last walk, in many ways, but Murtaza Bandali reciting, watching the man that's led my Amal for years, live. I mean live. Was something else. People see fear in your stance here and grab your hand. It's the land where the air breathes Husayn. Not just anywhere. I wasn't alone. No ones alone. They won't let you be alone. Husayn as never lets anyone alone. That's not his style, his way, his persona. 

I say persona, when you arrive in Karbala you will see, feel and understand. It's something words can't comprehend. If words could do justice to the power of Husayn, the feeling of Karbala, I'd be the wrong person to describe it. I'm no one, nothing, insignificant compared to Husayn, Karbala, to what this is. 

I'll be honest I came on this trip to see Abbas. Abbas. My birth right to me is sharing his day. I came to tell the Alamdaar of Husayn's army my issues. My problems. My drama. When I saw his dome, a realisation hit me. He owes me nothing. I was struck by such emotion, that I can only describe as awe. He stands tall till today. No one can take his stance away. The answer to the dua of Imam Ali as. Now I need you to stop and think. The answer, the fulfilment of the dua of Ameerul Momineen. I'm not saying, the answer of any old persons Dua. This is the lion of Allah. Haider. The man the ka'ba split at the seems for. Can you for one moment comprehend who this man is. That's Abbas. Abbas son of Ameerul Momineen. The son of Ummul Baneen. The hope the aas of Zaynab as, and to think you'll see him, feel him, speak to him. Abbas son of Ameerul Momineen. The thing that strikes me most is the love. You never think Abbas, alam without Sakina. She was just a young child. You remember her musical when you see him. You think Husayn, you think Ali, you think Zaynab, Ummul banin, Fatemah Zahra as. Abbas never comes alone. He comes with a arsenal of thoughts. That's who I came to see! 

Kadhimiya 2015

So the 6 hour dreaded drive from Basra to Kadhimiya is complete. Broken sleep, every hour turns and tosses with random discussions about the purpose of life. There's an announcement, at the 11 o clock position there's Imam Kadhimiya and Imam Jawad. If eyes could thirst, if broken hearts could mend, there would have been commotion till the h avens in the coach. When I think back to that moment my hearts emotion could only be captured in one word and that would be Subhanallah. I've dreamt about meeting the Baabul Hawaij since I left in 2013. This world has many joys, many highs and plenty of lows, but Kadhimiya is something else. Seeing those domes, the golden symbol that there's a part of your soul right here. The symbol of hope, peace, faith, love and tranquility all in one moment. I can say it's overwhelming but then in my mind I expected no less. No words can describe that moment, the seconds that turned to minutes while I stared and let the spiritual snapshot mark my soul for all of eternity. 

Imam Kadhim as reminds me of my brother as that's his name. Kadhim means to swallow anger. It makes me smile and cry at the thought of the Imams name being the personification of my brother. Missing you bhaijaan. The only thing that strikes me about Imam Kadhim as is calmness. You can go to Kadhimiya with ever intention to walk in and make demands but it doesn't work likethat is all I'll say. He makes everything seem minuscule, minute or even insignificant. All you want to do is pour your hearts vows out in a corner. 

Imam Jawa as is one person who fills my heart with hope. Not just any hope hope for humanity, hope for peace, hope for the aakhira. He's known as generous and I don't mean the giving gifts kind. I mean the even after only living till 25 he provides every single person with the hope that need. 

I've realised something about life on this trip no matter how much people have and how much they lack. People come to Kadhimiya with a burdened soul and leave free. Empty. Yet full to the brim. Knowing everything is handled. It's all managed, dealt with. I'm not just saying how I feel I'm telling you what all around me say, show and feel. 

I told them, everything, everything everything. No secrets no satarul Ayub. After all I'm not Allah. I'm only human. I off loaded it all. I left everything in their hands. Nothing for me anymore. 

Starting with Kadhimiya is always the way forward.

Ziyarah 2015

You know when i know ziyarah has started...when i pray in fear of my heavily pregnant luggage! I packed warm clothes that are clean and new because the cold scares me as much as the dark. The idea of someone cold, alone and at that a child, scares me the worst. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish or selfserving. I know today i wasn't thinking about me. Iraq always gives me peace and really that's what I need. I know I'm being called to gain my peace. 

This times different. Really different. Just different. I'm not childishly excited. I'm teary and scared. I want to see my Imams, I know they want to see me. I've never seen pain like in the eyes of the children, the orphans, those widowed women and all my heart does is send tears to my eyes. For my previledged life. For my ignorance. For my self centred world. When somethings goes wrong i've learnt to see khayr and hikma, but how do i tell my heart to understand this. I wish i could fix the injustice of the world. But to all those that have made Iraq what it is today...my heart and soul pray for the peace of every child or adult, any one affected. Allah swt give them tawfique. 

Back to my preganant luggage and lollipops. Nearly there...pray it gets through...