I fell...

I woke up everyday this week grateful and adamant to change. Sent out what i wanted back from the universe. Last night I felt I had broken through. It had all changed. Changed. Then today, it happened again. So I gave advice to a friend along the lines of "you are who you are, if you let people change you, then is no replacement. There is no you in the world, it's the adjusted/controlled version of you".  in theory my advice is sound. When i say sound it's the American sound, their way of saying un-flawed. In theory it makes perfect sense, in reality allowing circumstances to change, alter or control you is easy. 

I personally don't work by a score card system, you win some you loose some. Sometimes, when you loose you win. Sometimes even though you win other than the ego you end up with nothing.

I have principals super expensive principals. Like I'm talking the kind that will keep you awake at night expensive.  Well they do me. 

The courage of yourconvictions is something I often say and even I mistake it for arrogance. If the girl in headscarf says she'll do it that's it she will. 

Today when I woke after a week of choosing to send out to the universe nothing but pure kindness. As pure as kindness can be when you expect it back! It bit me. Sure as anything in this realm. I was bit. I'm not so sure it was inherently evil, more or less, or infact enough. My initial response was "thanks...and what?" I can do this. I carry on till I can't anymore. By the way I hate that word. Can't. Why not is my instinctive response. Then I hear itin my mind, because you have Him. "Having Him" and "can do" are different. Can do is a state of mind. Which today "I can't" had replaced. I know I can be sat in room of strangers who I can walk away from as a friend. For every can I had a can't. Because my friend, my Him was gone. Not because He chose to leave but because in my can do, I forgot Him. 

Often people approach me with problems, issues, lots of drama. I tell them it will all work out, here's a dua. An amaal. Today when I saw tears, I can't is all I could do. So i did what any child would do. I decided to not believe.

 The not believe didn't last long. If I cant see it I cant believe. If this then this. Every irrational, illogical, insane argument went through. I made decisions, I moved mountains in my mind. Till I fell. I tripped. Nice brise on my leg if you're interested. I rolled up my jeans and checked for blood. That's when I saw. I saw what my mind could not comprehed. I left Him. I walked away. He just let me fall to find Him. Sometimes, i doubt, im scared and I dont believe. 

Today right now, I'm telling you I do. I saw. Not with eyes but my heart. The second I walked away He called me back. 

The can do and having Him, are seperate but linked here. Because when the can do broke so did the having Him.